What about me?

Ever think about yourself? Have you seriously ever tried to step out of your own shoes and look at yourself how other people see you? Live every single day trying to do the right thing by everyone, being courteous or to help strangers, just because you can. Step out of your own shoes to put yourself in some one else's to make sure you have done the right thing? But what about stepping out of your own shoes to look at yourself?
The type of person who is always there for hours on end for people you call your friends. To listen to their arguments with life, their problems or their worries. To be supportive 100% and reassuring as possible. To actually listen to their problems and try understand what they are going through so if they do ask for your opinion or advice, you can answer honestly like a TRUE friend that actually cared enough to listen and try to help someone else.
When does it ever get to the point when you need to think about yourself? Why is it when you are at your lowest, no one is ever there for you. To be your shoulder or ear. Feeding of everyone else's energies is draining but for me impossible and those who I've told, know why. I am emotional bottom feeder, if it is there I feel it whether it is good or bad energies. Sometimes I wish I could stop it, but I can't. I guess a gift is not always a good thing.
My world is always about someone else, never about me. My kids ALWAYS come first no matter what and that is obvious. Any caring parent will go without so that their kid(s) don't have to. No matter what mood I am in I am ALWAYS there for whoever and whenever because that's what a real friend does. No matter if I am at my lowest, I suck it up and focus my thoughts on others. I haven't decided if that is a good thing or bad yet. If I am at my highest and my feet aren't even touching the ground I will still be there for those lower than me, knowing it will ruin my own happiness, because that's what a real friend does.
Sometimes I wonder why the hell I am so understanding, when most people are not. Why the hell do I care if they don't? I guess that's what makes me different.....I actually care. I know who ever is actually reading this is saying "I understand" or "It'll be okay" but unless you suffer with my gift, you will NEVER understand what I feel every single day. I hate to sound rude ir disrespecting but some times I get to the point where everyone around me has sucked the life out of me, unknowingly. I stay away from negativity as much as possible because of this one reason but so many people are so negative that it drains me completely. Does anyone I know ever think of me? Does anyone out there actually know what it is like to have this gift or to understand it? Do they ever think about how anything effects me? Granted not many people know but honestly it shouldn't matter if they truly care about me. How I feel at all? Probably not because not once has anyone came to me, just because they thought of me or because they could see "me" and know I needed someone. When I reach out no one is ever there or they don't understand or they say they do but in reality, they don't. So, I stopped reaching and focus on others because it's easier to deal with them, than with myself. It was easier to drink or do drugs than to feel what every one else is feeling, ALL THE TIME. The only time I could feel for myself is when I was numb.

Quote by me

Time heals all wounds, but wounds leave scars and scars are a reminder of our past.-S.Eaton

Returded Donors

Yes you read the headline correct because this is all about the donors who continuously shit on people over and over without any conscience or remorse. I am writing this so I dont have to make any contact with this POS yet I dont wanna keep this crap inside to build up.
We all know the situation with my sperm donor, we will call him "Whore"....well because he is one...lol.
I haven't talked to him in months nor has he ever really been around before then, except when he was trying to get ass from someone other than his wife or his other girlfriends...lol. So, needless to say he has no clue how I live my life since Treston has been born. Things were brought to my attentionthat he has said about me and my lifestyle which he knows about neither of those. My only guess is that he is pissed that because he isn't getting his way anylonger with "us". As a matter of fact, I think he runs his mouth because I am actually doing something good for my kids, other than fucking them up in the head, right "Superdad"? I know...I know....I'm playing the victim boo whoo. LMAO who's the victim now you POS? Your lucky I dont drag your ass into court along with the other 2 women but unlike you I don't wanna screw MY son up in the head with a bunch of drama, that you apparently love.
You have screwed so many people up emotionally, yes I admit I am one of them, I WILL NOT allow that to happen to my child. So run your mouth about me and how I raise my kids all you want. Austin may like to rap but he is a honor roll student who excels in school and sports. Treston may be a mommas boy but I would rather him be in my back pocket 24/7 than be in your house teaching him Gods know what, neglecting him, treaching him it's okay to be a whore or having some crazy bitch taking care of him the wrong way. What's funny is you use to tell me why I should have tats or why you wont get any..you dont wanna be a bad example to your kids. LMAO, tats are a better influence than teaching them that cheating on mom and having kids by different women, lying and simply being a ho bag is okay. What's even more sad is I bet you havent even stepped out of your own little world to look at those around you or listened openly at how you have really messed them up. I have talked to every single one of them and know for a fact what you are not seeing or hearing. Sad that you are too stupid to be a man and own up to all you've done and are doing at the moment. I pity you and those in your life and know I made the right choice by kicking your ass to the curb. You deserve everything you get karmically speaking.
I asked you to forget we exist that means from your vocabulary as well. You know I am a great mother and that pisses you off cause you are definitely no "Superdad", by any means...lol....so put the blame on me all you want we all know who's right here so GO FUCK YOURSELF SUPERDAD!

3yrs Already Gone?

I didnt really hit me until early afternoon, I couldn't figure out why today didn't feel normal to me. I was cleaning my room and came across a red and yellow rose under my UK hat. The red rose was from my Grannies funeral and the yellow from my Dad's and I keep them on top of my dresser together always. As soon as I saw the yellow rose all I could think about was my Dad and how this day "Easter Sunday" was the last day or holiday I had seen my father alive. In 10 days my father will have been dead 3 years.....doesn't seem that long ago. I think about the great memories and 28 years we had together all the time but today all i could think about is that the last time we laughed together was Easter Sunday 2007. It was the 1st and Last holiday he got to spend with Treston and the last holiday he spent with Austin. I remember the family laughing at him holding Treston because he was making goofy faces and noises at him and Treston was laughing back and we all got a kick out of making jokes about how neither of them had teeth.
In part I am sad because our last words were not all that nice to each other the day after Easter and over something SO stupid. The other half is sad because I didn't get to say "I Love You". Since then I have made a rule with those I love, that they will always know I love them. Even if we are arguing I still make sure they know I love them because I dont ever want anyone I care about to think for one moment I didn't care for them. If I never see them again whether by distance or death I will have no regrets.
I have forgiven myself and moved on but everyone still has their moments when it just feels good to remember the sad things and cry and today seemed like a good day for me to remember the last time I saw my Dad smile and laugh his toothless mouth...lol.
I will always Love you and never forget you Daddy <3
I♥you Dad and miss you very much

What Spring Will Bring?

The beginning of the year has had it's up and downs in every aspect of my life. My teenager is a teenager and there is nothing more I need to add to that...lol. His grades are awesome and he got into Butler which I am ecstatic about. Treston...well Treston is Treston. I have gained some really great friends (Robin,Angela and Todd or should I say Goofy, Banana and Toad?) and caught up with some really important ones who have been in my life for a while (Robyn or Wobyn). In the last couple of weeks they have really brought me out of hiding and I am thankful for them. I am starting to feel like myself again after all this time. Robin I still luv you even though you shaved my head.


For baby daddy drama...I squashed it for good.


As far as my love life is concerned it is still on hold. Still having trouble trusting men and their word. Don't think I can truly be with someone or anyone for that matter with the issues I have at the moment with men and trust. I hold no grudges because that accomplishes nothing. I luv who I luv and unfortunately I can't seem to change that as of right now or for the past 3 years for that matter...he knows who he is and he knows when all is done I am here. I do luv you very much and still, for some reason hope all that was said was true. In the mean time I guess I will do my own thing and see where it takes me. I've tried dating but I just can't get into it on that level. I can't seem to get past the feeling of the "friend zone" and I dont wanna hurt anyone but that's as far as it CAN go.

School is going great and I am aceing the class so far. I am hoping by the end of summer I will be working or at least the end of fall. It's time to get me 100% back together.

Grrrrrrr

Why is it in my nature to actually believe everything I hear? Not saying what I hear are lies but I always expect people to live up to their words 100% and then I am let down. Maybe because I am one of those people who do what I say I'm going to do and do it when I say Im going to do it. I dont wanna believe that I cant trust in people especially people that are important to me. My biggest pet pieves are lies and waiting. Have you ever made plans and you get all ready and are excited and then the plans are cancelled after you wasted all that time trying to look your best or better yet they just DONT show up or call and you sit there and wait and wait and wait. They dont pick up when you call to make sure they are ok they dont answer your text and you know their phone is right there beside them. You wanna see me pissed off, that's when it will be. I believe that if you tell someone something, yo do it and if for some reason you can not, at least call them and let them know. All it does is make the person feel like shit, not good enough or lied to. I KNOW I am one of the most understanding people you will ever meet, all I ask in return is have the courtesy to communicate with me. That goes for everyone in my life, no one specific because it pisses me off when anyone does it to me.

People have the fucking courtesy to pick up the phone and tell someone when they are being stood up!