Read at your own risk

Maybe it's the mood I am in today, maybe not but I can't help to think of things in my life that absolutely make no sense to me. I have a lot of family, alot of people that are linked to me somehow or another. Where are they? This may be selfish but I don't really care anymore, I am tired of bottling this shit up. If you want to read it then here it is but if you don't then don't continue reading but I know it is out in the open and off my chest. If you get mad at me then get mad, I'm not the one who has ever not said how I feel until this past year or so. I closed down when my father died for reasons I will state in this entry. This is something that has never came out of my mouth until now, this very moment.
My brother called me and told me to sit down, from the tone of his voice I knew someone I loved dearly was dead. The name "Dad" didn't even get halfway out of his mouth before I hit the ground and instantly went into a state of shock. At the same time there was a knock on my front door and I couldn't get up. My mom opened the door and my Aunt Cathy and Uncle Larry were standing there and as soon as they realized I knew they both knelt down on the floor with their arms around me and cried with me. I had to get up and get my son and just hold him. As soon as he was in my view, I knew he had over heard everything and had already been unable to control his own heartache. My dad meant the world to me but to my son he was a whole lot more than he could have been to anyone else on this Earth. He was a father figure, a friend, a confidant. From the moment Austin came into this world my Dad was a changed man. Previous he was a racist and was wild in his own way. The day he saw Austin being cleaned in the nursery, he came into to room where I was and had appologized for everything he had ever said to me that may have hurt me about Austin's race. My son is biracial, his father is black and I am white, something my Dad did not approve of. I have never seen my dad look so sad and sorry like I did on Feb.11, 1996 when he came to me crying and stated "I am so sorry for everything, I never thought I could love the opposite race the way instantly fell in love with my grandson the moment I saw him".
From the moment I found out my father was dead, a piece of me died with him and that piece that died was enough to shut me down until now. I can't remember who was actually there for me but there are only a few I remember and they weren't the people I thought they would be. I was very disappointed in the people I called family except for the few that was there for someone else instead of themselves. If you have ever lost a parent it is probably the hardest person in your life to lose. I have lost a lot of people in my life but my father, by far, was the worst. Did anyone think of his kids? I don't believe we were a big concern, I didn't feel ANYONE reach out and offer anything to us. Yes, I AM angry because I didn't even get to have a say so in his funeral. yes I was there in the room sitting next to my brother and watched as everyone else said their peace in what they wanted, we'd get a glance ever so often and they would say "What do you guys think", but what we wanted wasn't even considered, it was knocked down before we could even put it out there. Not one time did someone come and sit with me and ask if I needed to talk. I realized then, that in a time of my most desperate need, no one was there. No one is here now. One person in my entire life has ever actually gave a shit enough to be here and she is leaving me in February to live in Florida. I was asked to go with her and am still undecided. The one positive thing is that with every thing that has been going on, my brother and I have grown a little closer and I am thankful for that. To my cousin Steph, my Aunt Cat and Uncle Larry, my brother and of course my boys....Thank You for making me feel like there is someone in this world that cares.