2008

I honestly doubt anyone actually even reads my blog and sometimes I wounder why I even write anything at all, but then I realized that it is a form of therapy for me and much cheaper than traditional therapy sessions...lol. The likelihood of many people reading this everyday is slim to none yet, knowing it is still here and open to be read is strangely comforting knowing it is, however, out in the open and off my chest.
I was reading through what I have written over the past and am amazed at myself at the things I had written. Not anything specific just in general. It seemed like I was an angry person and always bitchin about something. Maybe I should change the title to "My Bitch Log". I always said women and I mean 95% of us should be required by law to take anti-depressants. We are all bitchy, have mood swings and can just be mean at times and I am no exception. I do take medication and have for years because I don't want to end up in the category of most women. I like being loving, affectionate and understanding ALL THE TIME.
So my goal this year, the year of 2009, is just to continue bettering myself. 2008 brought me no luck in my love life and neither have the many years before that as a matter of fact. Strangely, I still believe the one man for me is still out there. That or he was hit by a bus and died before I had a chance to meet him. It would be nice to have someone I can rely on other than myself, for a change. Not just so my kids can have a male in there lives but so I can have a companion in mine. As happy as I am with myself and my kids, it's still gets lonely, especially when the kids are asleep or not here. It would be nice to have someone to cuddle up with on the couch and just enjoy laying and feeling each other side by side. Someone I can share things with, that I can't share with just anyone. Sure you can have sex with whoever, I still have yet to feel what it is like to true be made love to. That is the one thing in my life I have yet to experience and even though it has never happened, I feel like I miss it. Maybe it is because I see it on TV or hear about it from friends and I want it so bad sometimes my fantasies seem realistic, but then I am sitting on the couch again, alone. I don't get my hopes up if I meet someone, because in my head I am waiting for them to tell me that the spark just isn't there or they have found someone else that they feel is better for them. I guess with this frame of mind it is far less likely for me to be let down or disappointed. God has a plan for me, I'm not sure what it is yet, but maybe when I am 90 y/o and senial I will see it.