Another day in my life

SO many people say different things about how you live your life. If your a good person and honest and treat people with respect, good things will happen. What about the people that are all these things and bad things still happen to them? It can't be karma. It can't be for any other reason but maybe a curse. I have always lived my life to help others, even in my careers, in the charity work I love to do and even the little things dily that helps someone out even just a little, like holding a door. Everyone tells me, "Well at least your alive and have your health", do I?
I have been suffereing for 2 years with this back pain that Dr's wouldn't touch because it was workers comp. I still have to make myself get up, no matter how much pain I'm in. I have to clean, care for my kids, cook dinner and if I miss any of these things no one else will do it. So everyday for 2 years I have to force myself to keep moving through the discomfort just so I don't live like a slob or starve my kids. I am all I have to depend on in this world. No one to call and say "Hey, can you come by and help me". 1 person has even come to me and drug me out even if for an hour, to get a break from these 4 walls.
I am so exhausted mentally.

Baby Daddy Drama

I don't know why this bothers me, maybe because I thought there was hope for Treston's father and I to be friends again for Treston's sake. Once again my false hopes get the best of me. Every time we get on talking terms he always brings up sex...sex....sex, but knowing he is promiscuous scares me. Well this time was no different. The only time he comes over is to get some booty, never to see his son and every time we stop talking it is because of lies and his disinterest in the one thing that keeps him in my life, whether I want him in it or not. The only reason we are still aware of each others existence is because of Treston and if it weren't for that, I could care less. It saddens me more than anyone knows that MY son is the one losing here. No effort is put forth in building a relationship with him and when plans are made.....he cancels them every time. He has never been there for any illnesses or hospital stays and as a matter of fact never even called to check on him. That just shows me he doesn't care at all and his own flesh and blood is not a priority to him. That and the fact that the most I've gotten from him financially is 100.00 here and there.....I could be a bitch and take him to court but I am not dragging another child through child support battles and the unnecessary drama that he never asked for.
I am guessing that some people when never change no matter how much they tell themselves they have. A dog is a dog and you can't make it a cat...lol. How selfish is a man that is married and will screw anyone and have kids with multiple women. To compulsively lie on top of lies to try and have an excuse or a reason for why he is like that. To allow the older children to see and go thru that and then continue it like it's not wrong. To literally emotionally destroy every single person in their lives lovers, kids, friends.....and still only care about what makes them happy. It's actually pathetic and sad that there is no conscience telling him that it's not right.
The reason I have put my foot down this last and final time is for one reason..Treston Aleczander. I WILL NOT allow Treston to be lied to or manipulated by NO man. I do not feel that he is fit to be a father emotionally. You ignore your own child yet you can take on another one with a G/F. I've seen 1st hand what lying and unreliability does to a child, I'll be damned if I put another through it. At the age of 2 y/o I can count on my hands how many times he has spent over an hour with his child and on hands and feet how many times he has seen him awake.
So am I wrong for stopping the contact all together or should I allow the lies and manipulation to continue on until Treston is old enough to understand his dad is an asshole? To let Treston feel like he's not good enough for his own father. To be lied to and let down over and over until he loses trust in all men, because after all if your own father doesn't care....who will?

Written about 5 months ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike

quote of the day

Love is not doing what you are told, nor is it what you think or what you feel, it is doing what you think and acting on what you feel. -S.Eaton

Soapbox 1

Sometimes I wonder why I am where I am in my life. Since my back injury my quality of life has gone to shit. Workers Comp Dr's are all asshole, who I think took a separate Oath from good Dr's. They say they are there to help but wont do anything to find and fix the problem and on top of that will not even help manage the pain this "unknown" condition is causing. I can't enjoy a day out of my house, Austin's sports or play with Treston without wanting to rip my spine out by the time I get home. Then I have to force myself to put on a happy face for my kids,to make sure they are taken care of, when in reality I want to go to my room and just lay there and cry until I fall asleep. What really pisses me off though are the real drug seekers who have made it difficult for Dr's to even care when people have "real" pain. What the hell do you do in this situation? When your at a breaking point and just fed up that you can't live a normal life, I just want to get better and it almost seems as though no one cares.
This is were your kids fathers are suppose to step in and help some, am I right? You have no income and rely on the government for food but what about the kids necessities? One wont even pay the full amount of CS court ordered, but because he paid SOMETHING they wont do anything to him. $40. every 2-8 weeks is nothing especially when the court order is $255 a month. Oh and the other asshole will only give me around $50, if I ask, but that is usually right after he says "fuck me and I'll give you more" GRRRRR!!!!
You would think that in my desperate times they would at least step up and help out a little, cause I have never asked for anything until now. But I guess we learn where peoples real priorities are when it's there turn to sacrifice something of there's. I sold my laptop that I had less than a year to buy my kids Christmas presents, because these loser fucks couldn't give me anything to make sure their kids had something under the tree. I now know where their heads are when it comes to their kids welfare and it sure as hell ain't where it should be, so FUCK EM ALL. I know karma and boy is she a real bitch.

What do men want?

Today's curiosity leans toward finding out what men really want from a woman. Obviously I can not answer this question with conviction because I truly do not know the answer, I am not a man. I have asked many of my guy friends this question and it all sounds the same to what women want from a man. But, if that is so why are there so many people alone without that person that simply wants the same thing? I would have to say chemistry is a key factor. In my years of dating and looking for Mr.Right I can honestly say that I have had chemistry with a lot of people but that's where I can say, I know, there are different types of chemistry and that's the tricky part of it all.
I have been attracted to men strictly sexually or emotionally and very few have I been attracted to because of both. I think that is what we are all looking for, hence the saying,"My friend and my lover".
There are so many beautiful women and gorgeous men on this planet, it's hard NOT to be sexually attracted to a lot of them, but you can fuck a beautiful person for so long before you grow tired of just the outside. I think all in all we all want that person we can make love to or fuck and still be able to have an intelligent and interesting conversation.
I will not disclose names but I have dated some men where the sex wasn't so great yet I was intrigued by their personality, which kept me wanting to see where it could go. The downside is that I found myself wanting other men that could fulfill that sexuality that the other could not. So, how do you stay faithful in that situation? Eventually you don't. In the same situation, yet reversed chemistry I have dated men that were awesome in bed but lacked personality. Still, you find yourself talking to other people trying to fill the gap of a decent conversation with interest. Eventually you develop feeling for the other person and when things get hot and heavy, "BAM!", they suck in bed...lol. So where does the vicious cycle end?
I wish I knew what a man wanted from a woman, but unfortunately I don't have the answer, just my perception from my experiences with the opposite sex. I look at myself and evaluate what it is about me that does not appease to the male species. I am understanding, affectionate, loving, caring and would do anything to please my partner. I'm a great mom, love to cook, I clean, I am smart, love to read....what is else could a man want? I have finally come to the conclusion that my look is what is wrong. No, I will not change me or who I am. I have tattoos, many of them, a few piercings and I believe that I an stereo-typed because of these choices. If I meet someone I usually find out at the end of out knowing each other, that I was not what they expected. Out of curiosity I have to ask "what were you expecting?". The reply is always the same "I thought you would be wild and crazy to a high extent and that is what I was looking for". So I now see the reason for the saying,"don't judge a book by it's cover". Why don't I change you ask? I will never change who I am for anyone unless it is a negative trait that hurt others I possess that is brought to my attention I was unaware of. In that case I would be happy to change that aspect, but I love tattoos, I am comfortable with the way I look. If the other person is not then he doesn't need to associate with me in any other way but friendship.
So I have concluded this is what every man, I have ever met, wants from a woman.
A physical connection, an emotional connection, someone willing to please him in anyway she can, and a woman that can be taken to a club and look hot but at the same time can be taken home to mom without any objection. Then there are some that want nothing more than to see how many girl they can add to the notches of the headboard.
We all want the same thing and finding it is the journey most of us are still on.

What a woman wants

I have many fantasies, sometimes that's all you have to keep you looking forward to what may come. Some can be read on the Disney Channel as a fairytale and others, well....you could find them in a Playboy magazine, but who really reads the articles anyways? I am asked a lot what my fantasy is and I usually avoid the question because there are too many to name one, and so many categories they fall into. I've realized just at this moment that there is one single fantasy that could bring all of the others together. It's not even a story fantasy just something simple that I've always wanted but always seemed out of my reach for what ever reason.
I want to find a movie man. What is a movie man you ask? A movie man is a man in real life that does all the things you love to see a man do in the movies. When you watch a love story or even a romantic comedy, which are one of my favorites. Men do some of the silliest, cutest most amazing things for the woman they want to be with. They leave funny little notes on their car or a flower just to let the woman know they were thinking of them. They seem to have no extent on what they would do to impress this woman, no matter how corny and no matter what their friends would say. They defy what normal guys would do for a woman in real life. It almost seems as if there is a stigma against giving women flowers just because it's Thursday or to remember and openly tell the woman what it is about them that you love or like, especially in public. I have always been the one who doesn't give a shit what other people think of me. I know I do not act inappropriate in public but there are still little things a man can do to make it interesting without drawing a lot of attention that still makes a woman melt quietly within herself. Men always ask what women really want, they always say they will never figure a woman out. Let me let you in on a little secret...we really aren't that hard to please, most of us anyways. There are some gold diggers that want it all and then some but I can't speak on their behalf because I can not relate to them. All most of us really want is a thought...yes, just a simple thought. A text that says "HI, was thinking of you and wanted to let you know", flowers sent just because, with a simple note. In today's time the ultimate "I'm really into you" is on the internet. Myspace, Louisvillemojo, Facebook is a hot spot for millions and when a guy is willing to say something he's not likely to say to "just anyone" as a comment or a voucher where the whole entire web can see. A woman eats that up cause she knows that he doesn't care who knows how he feels about you or what they have to say about it cause he is into you and only you.
I was raised in a very low income household and I am glad I was because it taught me the value of what you have or what is appreciated. I take nothing for granted and speak from my heart always. No, I was not raised to have these values, I have taught them to myself and learned them from what I have been given and I am one of the lucky ones who could make good out of bad and have appreciation for even the smallest things. I would rather have a small picnic at Iroquois Park eating McDonald's with someone who wants to get to know me and be with me than be at J. Alexanders with an asshole who is trying to buy my love and just wants to get laid afterward. It's the "thought" of what you do that makes it significant. Remember that guys "The thought of what you do is the significance of what is done".

2008

I honestly doubt anyone actually even reads my blog and sometimes I wounder why I even write anything at all, but then I realized that it is a form of therapy for me and much cheaper than traditional therapy sessions...lol. The likelihood of many people reading this everyday is slim to none yet, knowing it is still here and open to be read is strangely comforting knowing it is, however, out in the open and off my chest.
I was reading through what I have written over the past and am amazed at myself at the things I had written. Not anything specific just in general. It seemed like I was an angry person and always bitchin about something. Maybe I should change the title to "My Bitch Log". I always said women and I mean 95% of us should be required by law to take anti-depressants. We are all bitchy, have mood swings and can just be mean at times and I am no exception. I do take medication and have for years because I don't want to end up in the category of most women. I like being loving, affectionate and understanding ALL THE TIME.
So my goal this year, the year of 2009, is just to continue bettering myself. 2008 brought me no luck in my love life and neither have the many years before that as a matter of fact. Strangely, I still believe the one man for me is still out there. That or he was hit by a bus and died before I had a chance to meet him. It would be nice to have someone I can rely on other than myself, for a change. Not just so my kids can have a male in there lives but so I can have a companion in mine. As happy as I am with myself and my kids, it's still gets lonely, especially when the kids are asleep or not here. It would be nice to have someone to cuddle up with on the couch and just enjoy laying and feeling each other side by side. Someone I can share things with, that I can't share with just anyone. Sure you can have sex with whoever, I still have yet to feel what it is like to true be made love to. That is the one thing in my life I have yet to experience and even though it has never happened, I feel like I miss it. Maybe it is because I see it on TV or hear about it from friends and I want it so bad sometimes my fantasies seem realistic, but then I am sitting on the couch again, alone. I don't get my hopes up if I meet someone, because in my head I am waiting for them to tell me that the spark just isn't there or they have found someone else that they feel is better for them. I guess with this frame of mind it is far less likely for me to be let down or disappointed. God has a plan for me, I'm not sure what it is yet, but maybe when I am 90 y/o and senial I will see it.