What is there to be thankful about?

This is the second holiday season since my dad died and it SUCKS!!! Last year Thanksgiving sucked because the food this year I'm not even going to the families...the 1st time I haven't done Thanksgiving with my family since I can remember and that SUCKS too. Everyone I know has a family to eat dinner with but me. I sent my oldest son the my brothers because I know he is going to his fiances parents for dinner. I at least wanted Austin to have a Thanksgiving. Treston is still young enough that he doesnt understand and wont remember.
I have never felt so alone in my life. If my father were alive at least I could have dinner with him. Not one person asked Treston and I to join them for one of the so called"giving"days of the year.
What happen to the holiday spirit? None of my family member even said "Hey, we don't have much but it's about giving so you can join us" My own fucking family. No I dont want to spend Thanksgiving at home eating like I do everyday. I dont even have the money to take Treston out to eat to get some turkey and dressing. The homeless people will be eating better than me on Thanksgiving.
Where is my mother, you say? Well she doesn't care about other people so she could care less if she eats with anyone EVER. I think this bloodline is cursed, seriously. The last 4 generations have died alone or are alone. My greatgrandma whom I've never met died as a divorcee, My grandmother died a divorcee, her three children are either divorced or never married and then there is me and my brother whom are not married yet. My brother is engaged and a date set for this comming April but by the time he is 50, I bet a million he will be divorced or widowed. I am freaking 30 y/o and have never had a true relationship. It breaks my heart too.
I want to break this chain or curse but sadly even though I'm pretty hott and a good heart I can't seem to find someone to make my own family complete.
Guess it's the "Hale" curse.
All in all I am happy my kids have their health even though my isnt that great and I am thankful I have fingers to gripe about this...lol.

Today in history

Honestly I believed that no matter what or how the people had to cheat, not only Barack Obama but any person in a minority catergory would NEVER make it as the U.S. President. Gladly for me I was proved wrong, but I am sure others are pissed. I voted Obama today at the polls and I am glad I did and that the other millions did as well.
It is about time we have a President that speaks, not only correctly lol, but speaks in plural not singular. The speech that was given tonight at Grant Park brought me to tears and I am not a political person, never have been and honestly this was the 1st time I had ever voted in a presidential election.
Even after he knew he had gain the seat in the white house, he still spoke in plural. Knowing HE has made history alone just by running for President he still was not cocky or stuck on himself.
I am glad I am alive now so I can tell my grandkids the cool story of when the 1st minority President was elected into office. My son being biracial and every other minority today.....can now see that "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE" no matter how unrealistic it seems.
"It's time for a change"

Levels of discomfort

I understand completely that Dr's are scared to prescribe narcotics to patients due to people who abuse them but what about those of us who really need them? I have been dealing with this back discomfort since December 07 and it just keeps getting worse. The discomfort I feel every single day is enough to make a person go crazy. If I stand too long, sit too long, walk longer than 20 minutes, bend backwards or shift my weight any faster than an 80 y/0 man with the brim hat drives on the expressway...I feel extreme discomfort. Pain in my lower left side of my back that sometimes shoots down my left leg like someone has stabbed me with a hot blade and rips it down my butt cheek. MRI and EMG has showed nothing so the Dr's dont believe anything is wrong with me so they wont do anything about the discomfort with "no proof" of injury. I am at the point where I want to scream or go postal on these ignorant Dr's. It is sad that the people who actually need help are overlooked because of these fucking retards who fucked it up for everyone. I guess if I were famous I could get whatever the hell I wanted. I have resorted to buying off the internet. I ordered Darvocet something just strong enough to take the itch of the pain and the shit came from India and wasn't even real Darvocet.
I am not the type of person to do things illegally, especially with drugs. No I am not out buying narcotics off the street, I'm really not that stupid. It is still illegal to take narcotics not prescribed to you and yes I am not going to lie I have been given Lortab, Vicodin, Soma and Darvocet from friends and yes I took them. I've done everything but post an ad in the newspaper saying "Local girl with back injury needs medication, now accepting donations of anything stronger than Motrin 800"...LMAO!!!
I hate feeling like I have to take what I can get but what else can I do? I am so tired of feeling like this and doing what I have to do to survive this discomfort until the Dr's actually do something other than talk to find out what is really going on in my back.

Top 3 best feelings in the world

Okay this morning when I woke up I was freezing my ass off. I thought about the best feeling and the worst feelings in the world I have experienced. The worst being stomach pains when you have diarrhea...lol...and an ice cream headache. The best feelings in the world are obviously number 1st SEX and the 2nd eating a food you really love. Well the 3rd I have ranked is when you are freezing and you turn on your heater and stand over it. You start feeling the warmth on your skin and your skin reacts in a way that almost feels orgasmic, almost as if you are melting in an awesome cozy feeling. I think I must change that to the 2nd best feeling in the world or should I say "my world".

What to believe in?

As a child we are taught what our parents teach us and they usually learn how their parents teach them and so on. How do we actually know what we are taught is right, religiously? Because it is imbedded in our head since birth that God had a son named Jesus and he is our Christ and all the stories of the Bible, we believe it to be so with no questions asked. Every christian religion has their own interpretation of the Bible and alot contradict each other. Other religions have different beliefs all together with no Jesus, so where did those beliefs come from? What makes the christian beliefs true and the buddists wrong for example? Just because the Buddists believe in Buddha they are going to spend all eternity in hell? Depending on where your from, you have certain religious beliefs, so who is right? I was raised baptist and went to church and worshipped God and Jesus but now I question the truth. I have been reading and reading and even feel guilty for questioning the truth. All in all I realize more and more that maybe there is no truth. Maybe when we die we roam the Earth for all eternity. There is scientific proof that the Earth is millions of years old, where is the history of it? In museums, not in the Bible. I'm not saying the Bible is false, I'm just saying maybe there is more and we are just to brainwashed to even question and search the truth. I was told that I should NOT question God I should just have faith. How can I not question it when there is so much contraindications? One scientist took the main components of the Earth and allowed them to sit together for over 25 years and guess what was created....One single cell with a DNA strand...hmmmm. I wonder what would happen after a hundred years or even a thousand. The entire universe is full of gases like the ones on earth, maybe there is life on other planets.
The christian religion is tainted by paganistic ways, yet pagans are evil and we all have an excuse as to why we continue these rituals. Christmas and Easter for example are paganistic holidays. Astrology, ever read your horoscope in the paper and say "Wow, that is so true?" A form of witchcraft. Yet if a christian is asked about a wiccan, the christian looks down upon them, why they are no better.
We all have our own beliefs, so who is right?
Religion, I think, is like manners (please, thank you, sorry, excuse me). Next time you need to use your manners, don't or think to yourself, "why did I just say that". Because it is programmed that it is the right thing to do, just like a specific religion is programmed in our heads for years that this is the way it is and the right way to be. Is it?

Things seem to never change and sometimes I think they never will. My mother is still the same ol' bitch that loves to use people until she needs them no longer, yes, including her own children and grandchildren. Fucking pathetic to live a life the way she does, in anger, regret and blame. Never does she take blame for her own actions it is always someone elses fault that she is the way she is. That is the main reason I work so hard everyday to break the circle this family is accustomed to. My kids will NEVER feel unloved, put down or worthless from me. The day that I call my child anything other than "awesome" is the day I don't deserve to have such wonderful kids.
As far as their father's I can not control their actions, I can only answer the questions asked by their son's. Austin's dad is about as worthless as they come. The type that no matter what isn't here for his only son, but is for his daughter. Would prefer to get laid or sell drugs over being a father. So now I just call him "the donor" because that is all he has ever done for me or Austin.
Treston's father is just as bad in his own way. He can't keep his dick in his pants, is a habitual liar, doesn't care who he hurts as long as his gets to cum. He's like a snake, he tries to wiggle his way back into our lives but it seems that it is more for trying to get into my pants than being with his son. I know he has lied to his wife to get out of the house to go get laid and put the kids off on her. I have so much proof of his actions behind his families backs that it is almost tempting to lay it in fron of his wife. Unfortunately I don't believe she cares as long as he comes home, and it's sad. As for me and Treston we don't want or need him in our lives and I refuse to let my child adapt those morals.
I wish I would have stopped DaShawn from being a once a year father to Austin, it would have saved alot of heartache and alot of questions for me to answer like, "Why doesn't my daddy love me?"
I believe that I am scared of the change but I am dead serious about taking the kids and moving very soon. Somewhere fresh where we can start all over with no negativity to bring us down.

Need Help

Once again I am asking for help from anyone and everyone. Those who know me knows I love to help anyone, my heart is too big sometimes.
I did a makeover for a single mom of 2 small children who lost everything because of her now ex husband. Alot of people pitched in and helped physically, financially and just donated things they didnt want or need out of their own homes. Her small 2 bedroom apt went from mattresses on a floor to a fully furnished apt and the kids had a room that looked like a kids room should. It was a huge success.
I have 2 more families in need that are willing to let me take control of their homes and help them out.
1st one is an 18 y/o who grew up in a bad home with drugs and abuse. That home I had been in multiple times and they never cleaned there were mattresses on the floor in the livingroom so stepmom and dad didnt have to get up to do anything, include care for the boy. He just 18 and his family that cares is doing what they can to get him out of the situation. They own small rental houses and gave him one but it's not in great shape, it's livable though. He has nothing in the house so he sleeps on an air mattress. I guess it's better than living in roach infested house thats falling apart, with his parents and the drugs. He's leaving for 3 weeks to visit famiy in Baron River and has granted me access to his house while he is gone.
2nd family is a 30 something female with 3 kids ages 13, 15, 17. After she and her husband got this house (renting) and she got a good job and could stand on her own two feet, she decided she was tired of being mistreated and is divorcing the husband. They have a living room mostly furnished but the kids rooms are the same as most with nothing mattresses on the floor and sheets covering the window. She is working to take care of her and her kids and was recently laid off and we all know unemployment doesnt pay well. My main concern there is the kids rooms. The 13 y/0 is a male, 15 y/o female and 17 y/o male.
If you are intrested in helping please contact me. I have the help and support of DJ Fender and McLovin from Shock Therapy on wildliferadio.com.

No Stranger to Dicks

I am no stranger to dicks, most women are not. No, I 'm not refering to the body part...lol...talking about men. I found out that my son's father was still fucking around with other women again after all he has already been through. Needless to say he is either the stupidest man on Earth or the most selfish. I wasn't mad at him after all he's not my husband or my man, I was more worried due to what he has already done to himself with getting multiple women pregnant and dealing with his wife. I try to help him by trying to make him realize that the self sabotage and the drama will never end unless he stops treatin women like sex toys. After a day of what I would take as him letting it soak in, he starts treating me like the one who out to get him. I honestly believe he is in serious need of some help. The world is his oyster and he is ready to fuck them all...lol. After all his drama and pleas and swearing that he has changed, he hasn't. The worst part is the kids. I have decided I don't want my kid around it to adapt the immorality of his ways. I don't ever want my kids to think it is okay to treat women as such. It is dawgs like him that are continuing the circle of shelfishness in the world of partnering.
I don't care other that the fact he is my son's father and because of the way he is it taints us being civil for our son's sake. If I refuse to give into him, it is all my fault and I am the childish one. If I tell him that it is not right to have a wife and established home and still screw other women in private, I am the one trying to ruin his life. I care about him yes, he is my son's dad and I am trying to help him not make the same mistakes over but he wants it all. He want to live his life the way it will sabotage any hope of happiness in his life without the drama. He is selfish, egotistical and a womanizing whore. Do I have the right to keep my son away and teach him how to be a "good" man like a mom is suppose to or should I take the chance of him repeating a circle of this type of life. It is my job to protect my kid and teach him morals to excel in life in all ways or allow this man to taint his mind and take a chance of my son being a womanizer?

Toxic

What is considered a toxic relationship? I'm not talking about just romantic relationship, ALL relationships. Why can someone not do anything about them? They know the relationship is bad for them but they don't change it or remove themselves from the situation. If someone in your life abuses you mentally or physically, obviously it's not a happy relationship. If your gonna be unhappy or miserable because someone treats you like shit why not just leave? Yes you will be unhappy but it's not like you were happy in the 1st place, plus you can eat your food without a straw cause they broke your jaw....for the 2nd time.
Let look at the emotionally abusive relationships. We all know emotional abuse is when someone puts you down, calls you names, belittles you, etc. What about our own emotional abuse. You act as though you are on top of the world yet inside it is massive dermoil. You know you control your destiny yet you don't take that control. You sit on your ass and allow things to slowly devour you because there is no one you trust that you can open up to, just to get it out. That I think is a form of abuse.
Everyday of my life I question actions of my own. What are the consequences? Who will it hurt? Doing something you know is wrong but you love doing it, so you think you can't stop because of your own selfishness. Like White Castle to a stoned guy at 3 a.m. You crave it even though it's not good for you, you over indulge and then think about how bad you feel later...lol.
There are somethings I will take control of, no questions asked, like I did when I quit smoking. But, there are something I question why I do them.

Read at your own risk

Maybe it's the mood I am in today, maybe not but I can't help to think of things in my life that absolutely make no sense to me. I have a lot of family, alot of people that are linked to me somehow or another. Where are they? This may be selfish but I don't really care anymore, I am tired of bottling this shit up. If you want to read it then here it is but if you don't then don't continue reading but I know it is out in the open and off my chest. If you get mad at me then get mad, I'm not the one who has ever not said how I feel until this past year or so. I closed down when my father died for reasons I will state in this entry. This is something that has never came out of my mouth until now, this very moment.
My brother called me and told me to sit down, from the tone of his voice I knew someone I loved dearly was dead. The name "Dad" didn't even get halfway out of his mouth before I hit the ground and instantly went into a state of shock. At the same time there was a knock on my front door and I couldn't get up. My mom opened the door and my Aunt Cathy and Uncle Larry were standing there and as soon as they realized I knew they both knelt down on the floor with their arms around me and cried with me. I had to get up and get my son and just hold him. As soon as he was in my view, I knew he had over heard everything and had already been unable to control his own heartache. My dad meant the world to me but to my son he was a whole lot more than he could have been to anyone else on this Earth. He was a father figure, a friend, a confidant. From the moment Austin came into this world my Dad was a changed man. Previous he was a racist and was wild in his own way. The day he saw Austin being cleaned in the nursery, he came into to room where I was and had appologized for everything he had ever said to me that may have hurt me about Austin's race. My son is biracial, his father is black and I am white, something my Dad did not approve of. I have never seen my dad look so sad and sorry like I did on Feb.11, 1996 when he came to me crying and stated "I am so sorry for everything, I never thought I could love the opposite race the way instantly fell in love with my grandson the moment I saw him".
From the moment I found out my father was dead, a piece of me died with him and that piece that died was enough to shut me down until now. I can't remember who was actually there for me but there are only a few I remember and they weren't the people I thought they would be. I was very disappointed in the people I called family except for the few that was there for someone else instead of themselves. If you have ever lost a parent it is probably the hardest person in your life to lose. I have lost a lot of people in my life but my father, by far, was the worst. Did anyone think of his kids? I don't believe we were a big concern, I didn't feel ANYONE reach out and offer anything to us. Yes, I AM angry because I didn't even get to have a say so in his funeral. yes I was there in the room sitting next to my brother and watched as everyone else said their peace in what they wanted, we'd get a glance ever so often and they would say "What do you guys think", but what we wanted wasn't even considered, it was knocked down before we could even put it out there. Not one time did someone come and sit with me and ask if I needed to talk. I realized then, that in a time of my most desperate need, no one was there. No one is here now. One person in my entire life has ever actually gave a shit enough to be here and she is leaving me in February to live in Florida. I was asked to go with her and am still undecided. The one positive thing is that with every thing that has been going on, my brother and I have grown a little closer and I am thankful for that. To my cousin Steph, my Aunt Cat and Uncle Larry, my brother and of course my boys....Thank You for making me feel like there is someone in this world that cares.

What's new

Well so far the love interest that I gave another chance to fucked up again and is pulling the same crap he promised to stop. I have come to realize I will not give him another chance, he has already had too many.
The guy I was excited about meeting when he came home from Iraq a week ago has pretty much turned out the way I expected. Just dropped off the face of the earth.
Yesturday was Father's Day and this is the 1st year without my father. I sucked because almost every year the family gets together and this year was weird. I was the only one without my father or a father figure there. I miss him alot more than I had anticipated before I agreed to attend.

On the brighter side I haven't had a smoke in almost 5 days and am holding up pretty well. I am glad someone invented Chantix, for my sake and my childrens.

What world do some live in?

Have you ever wondered what world some people live in and if they really believe they live in that world. When someone does something that is obviously not right why do they not see it or truly believe they did nothing wrong. Could it just be my perception of what I think is not right and they really are innocent of wrong doings? Not wrong as in murder or rape but somply wrong doings. Say a friend makes a date with you to meet for dinner and then on that day you spend the time to get ready and wait for them to call and then they don't call like they are suppose to before they leave to meet you. A simple phone call can make or break any friendship, relationship, cause unnecessary worries, plan and simply break trust between two people whatever their partnership is. If I spend 2 hours getting ready so I can look good for a meeting, date, or just simply to look good for someone and they don't show, call or at least let me know they are running late......it's plan fucking rude and pisses me off. It is the exact same thing as a lie aaaaand can prevent unnecessary fights or arguments.
Even if you don't care about the person but you make plans with them, at least have the courteousy to tell them if your not going to show or call so they don't wait around for you worried or angry for no reason. Some feelings are a bitch to have, if you don't want or like them, why make someone else feel them.

SSDD

Things will never change with some people and I am one of them. Last night I was text by the man that has a hold on me. He wanted to answer a question I had asked days previous. "What was it that your ex's had that got you to surrender your guard, that I obviously do not have". He said they did have something that I did not have, also that he was not with them any longer so that it was a good thing. To make the whole story shorter he said that he had fucked up and that I WAS what he wanted. I thought it was a joke and made him promise that it wasn't a joke, we all know where his promises lead to. He said he wanted to be with me as my boyfriend 100% and that he was dead serious, no more games. Well needless to say I was hesitant but accepted his offer to give him another chance. That is where I realize how fucking pathetic I was at even the thought that things might actually change but then again stranger things have happened in my life. We will see what really happens in the next couple of days and if, once again, I was foolish enough to take him back.
What is it with how some men can get a hold on us? Trestons father had a hold on me for almost 2 years but I was forced to let that go and honestly it hasnt been that hard. I think because he is still a part of my life. Not that I have hopes of a future with him but because I was in love with him and I would rather be friends than nothing. But thinking about it deeper if it weren't for our son we wouldn't even talk anymore at all. Maybe God has a reason to keep us friends, through Treston. I can't see me ever being with him other than friends though so maybe God's plan was simply for us to be friends.
Why can't everyone just simply come with a manual, then we would know exactly how much drama we were in for besides even without manuals, sometimes we know how much drama we are in for but we ignore the warning label. Almost like a prescription, we know there are side effects but we still pursue. Some drugs cause less side effects than others and sometimes it takes different drugs until we find the right one that is for us.

A New Beginning

Okay so this year has not been as great as I planned, so far. I am doing things now to make things better. I finally stood up after a year of a nothing relationship and told the guy that I wasn't happy with what we had. I never saw him or talked to him that much because he always has an excuse as to why he couldn't see or talk to me, never a reason why he wanted to. I wish things could have been different, but there are reasons for everything, I guess. I want to fall in love with a great guy who will except my kids and treat me good, but doesn't seem to be many of them out there anymore. So I will stop searching and let love do it's will the way God has it planned.
I started an at home school for medical transcription, that is accredited with BBB and the US Board of Education, so I know it is legit. I want to be able to be a work at home mom so I can be with my kids and not have to send them home to a daycare, where some stranger can do what they want to my kid. The way this world is there is no telling what could happen, i prefer to have things I can control...in my control.

What do men really want?

I've always been told everyone wants the same thing, "to be happy". If that is true then why aren't we? Every man I have ever dated has lied or done things that make many people miserable and I am sure women are the same, but I have never dated a woman. Everyone complains about lies and dishonesty, so why lie? Yes I can understand the little white lies but not the ones that truly affect a persons life.
The man I have was seeing had been pretty open with me, that I know of, but there are little things that I question and only because there are alot of "little things". If someone wants alone time they should say so instead of ALWAYS having some excuse. My phone died or broke I can understand this, but what I don't understand is why is there Always something wrong with the phone, why don't you keep another log of your numbers just in case or my favorite one is that you just didn't recieve the call or text. What about being sick? If you don't feel well, does your finger hurt to much to text and simply say your sick. There is always an emergency that has come up, phone issues, sicknesses but where are the reasons you WANT to see me? Where is the excuse to HAVE to come over or the need to hang out? I am not saying these excuses are all lies but if they are what is he really doing with the time I don't hear from him. If I don't hear from you for 3 days because your phone broke, what stopped him from just coming to my house or calling from a home phone?
If someone says they love you.....what is it that they love about you? If they say they do love you but show the actions mentioned above.....how much do they really love you? If they show these actions and won't communicate with you but say they want to be with you and love you.....shouldn't love drive that person to want to communicate with you so you don't think these thoughts or simply make tht excuse to be near you?
What is it that needs to be done to find out exactly what you a man wants from a woman? Should I wait around another 14 months to see if things change, continue to be patient and understanding no matter my doubts, allow these excuses to pile up? Should I accept things will never change in our relationship and move on or hang around and wait to see if things really will change with more time?
I just don't understand it......